zondag 27 oktober 2013

Sad Saturday....

Today, I have again experienced what grief can do tot the human soul...to my soul..
I don't know why, but today was a very hard one for me.

It did start just after waking up.. tears, while having a shower.
Tears when I met friends in town who invited me for coffee on a sunny terrace..tears again there..
Almost tears when I picked up my bread at the bakery and 3 of my best friends -who where having coffee there- invited me to have a drink with them too.. I could feel they where a bit worried about me.
Later one of them came to my home to bring some home grown veg and flowers..and I couldn't stop crying..
A neighbor came to invite me for a dinner at their place. I made the arrangement for the coming Friday, and when she was gone..tears again..
And while writing this..I am crying..

At a day like this I notice by myself that I have a different eyesight. I feel nervous and insecure with myself. A kind of secluded feeling.  People notice that. I try to be as normal as ever, but on the other hand I feel so fragile, and this skin around me is so thin. One push, a nice word or the question: how are you today?..and emotions are running.

At those moments I feel the need to try to find out why this is happening right now...

Was it the celebration from  his Birthday last Tuesday..when I had invited a group of my very best friends to have dinner at our (still hard to write My) house? 
And yes, of course...there were emotional moments during that evening..but we also celebrated life together. How wonderful it is for me to sit round the table with friends I love so much..who love me and who love him..

Or was it the confrontation with death on Wednesday afternoon when I went to a funeral from a friend of Bram..of which I had the feeling that I had to go instead of him? I didn't know her very well, but I felt that I had to go in his name.

Has it been perhaps my great day out with dear friend Tiny to the exhibitions on the Dutch Design Week in Eindhoven? Where I have seen beautiful innovations and energy from young designers.. He himself as a designer couldn't come with us. 
It was lovely going there together with Tiny..we had a very good time together..
(I will write a blogpost about this trip)

Maybe it is because of the moments I am going alone to the cinema, or work at the Theater and watch interesting performances. 
I did see "Trafic" from Jacques Tati and "Blue Jasmine" from Woody Allan last week, and an interesting solo performance on Friday night about Garry Davis done by Marjolein van Heemstra.
But I always miss him next to me, and a talk about it afterwards.

Still I meet people who knew him, but who don't know that he has passed away. Last night, in the theater I met (I didn't know her) his physiotherapist. She told me that he has been a very brave man, and that she really liked him a lot for his personality, his open mind and that he was a warm person.

So many things reminds me of my years with him. I watched a documentary this morning about Norway, and immediately I was walking there with him on the first holiday together.

Perhaps it is a combination of it all..
But it can hit you so unexpected..
I always feel it comes from behind. 
I can't prepare myself for it..
He is so gone..gone forever..definitive..and of course I know that.
There is no returning to better days..of course I know that.
But realizing and knowing are two different things.
Only memories stay. Bright and vivid memories from beautiful moments.
But on a day like this even this doesn't help.

But Hearth and Head are not always synchronized.
Today they walked behind each other, and they put me back to the world of grieve and mourning. A sad Saturday while the weather was bright, breezy and sunny (the kind of weather we both love so much..Scandinavian weather we always called it)
We have been very connected to each other. That is the best thing what has happened to the both of us. But it also makes it hard to deal with, when the one you love most is gone forever.

Maybe I just have to accept those days..
Stay inside and be nice to myself.
Just accept it and don't fight against it..

But I am a fighter..perhaps I have to stop it for a while...

woensdag 9 oktober 2013


This morning I finished my BramAndJan Ring at the course at Kunstgoud.
Made from our 2 rings, and with an imprint from his thumb.


No more words...

zondag 6 oktober 2013

INDIGO Dyeing at the National Spinning Day..

You enter a room filled with 220 Spinners all from the Netherlands..
You were not expecting that amount of women..and a few men...
You were not expecting this great variety in spinning-wheels...

It was me who entered that room..
and I was totally  flabbergasted..not expecting that amount...
All different people (very interesting to see)..but all passionate about spinning!
For the first few hours I had the feeling that I had entered a Spinning-Storm..
and there was no place to hide..and I loved it..
I met up with my Knitting-friends from Ravelry..Tien, Marijke, Janneke, Rachel,Meta, Feikje and many more..but I could hardly speak, because all was so overwhelming to me..
Me..a Novice Spinner, who got to see the most amazing spinning-wheels, and yarns spun so beautiful..
I took some pictures just after lunch, when hardly anyone was in the room..

And ofcourse I had taken my Mr.Bliss with me, who loved to stand next to the Louet from my dear friend Puk (Was great to be together all day..Love You!!)

After the opening by the chairwoman Elske the stalls opened...
and I couldn't help myself..
I had to buy..

My first purchase was beautiful variegated Red Lincoln fleece from Dol met Wol

After that...Bleufaced Leicester from Feikje (who has such a good colour-sense!!)
And than Puk told me about Amanda Hannaford from MandaCrafts...
Being a YarnSnob for many years now...
it was logical to become a FibreSnob too...
And there it was...
70%Merino/30% Cashmere...shiny..and super-soft..
I couldn't resist..Colour: Midnight..

Deep and rich colours, and I grabbed 2 bags for a total of 200 grams.
I can see a scarf..or a cowl for the coming winter..mittens..or..

Blue and Green Cheviot from Jeanet Koek...

It is a rather rough fleece, so perfect for sturdy mittens I think..
And just when I had the idea to stop buying I passed the stall from Low Lands Legacy...and there was a fleece from South America..
Blue with hints of purple and rather soft..and cheap..

That was the last sale for the day..and I now have a great variety in different fleece, perfect for learning more of this old and modern craft.

But..the best thing for me came in the afternoon..
A long awaited wish became reality..
Dyeing yarn with Indigo..and I can tell you..
It was: Magical and Mindblowing...
Kiki from "The Dutch Cottage" showed us the process step by step.
We all had to deliver in the morning 3 x 100 grams of (handspun) yarn to be soaked in water for a few hours. 

I had taken with me 2 skeins Merino/Silk, 1 hank Shetland, and 3 skeins (badly plied) Bluefaced Leicester.
The proces is not that difficult..it can be read on the website from Kiki (and I am sure there are English versions too)
You need..

and stirred in 55 C water..and very practical in a pan with a thermostat.

It is important that there is as little oxygen in the pan, so you have to close the lit to get it to the right temperature, and let the indigo ripe for about 45 minutes

You dip your yarn in a kind of greenish water with a strange fleece on the surface..
Leave it there for 15 minutes...
And than Magic Happens...
Because of oxygen the yarn turns very quick from:


 Into Blue..

It was truly Magical to see this happen..

(If you want to see a little film from me taking the yarn out of the dyebath..
Go HERE . Thanks Alexandra!!)

And after rinsing in water..

From left to right..2 shades of blue in Merino/Silk and the right one is the Shetland.
The left one is from the first dip, which gives the strongest color and the right one is from the third dip. The more indigo you use the darker it can get..it can be really almost Black-Blue.
And the BFL came out this way..

It all felt very special for me..and perhaps something new has started in my mind. It was all very inspirational, and we had a very enthusiastic group..

After that Mind-Blowing experience it was nice to hear a very  inspiring lecture on Natural Dying by Jolanda van der Lelie, who is an expert in natural dying and who showed us that magical world..

Dyed with Woad, Wouw, Madder, Birch leaf, Cochenille, Indigo, or Walnut (the so called Grand Teints, which are colorfast) the colors get a special look and feel and really different from the acid dyes.. and f.i.if you add iron water to the dye bath the color becomes colder and if you use copper it gets warmer..
I really need to do a workshop by Jolanda..
But first save money for buying a thermostat pan..They can be bought rather cheap at Lidl in Germany..HERE.

I drove home with a head Full of Beautiful Impressions from a very Inspring day..Thanks to the Board and volunteers from the Landelijke Spingroep
And we even got a little gift from them..the 4 seasons..

And No, spinning is not old fashioned
It fits perfect in this period we are living in. 
You can see it as a reaction to the world dominated by fastness and computers.
I get very calm when I spin.. and I try to spin a little each day..and with my purchases from yesterday winter can come...
than I should start knitting too again..
I will.. I promise..

dinsdag 1 oktober 2013

First Half Year...

At exact 11.30 hrs. this morning I posted a picture on Tumblr..
and 1 minute later I linked it to Facebook..
It was very important for me to do this.

I took this picture yesterday, to be used today..
11.30 hrs.. the moment his soul did fly away...26 weeks ago.

This is the first half year for me without him.
I have managed so far...

When you would have told me last year I wouldn't have believed that.
That it would be possible to go back into life.
I always thought that if that would happen to me I couldn't manage it.
That I wouldn't be able to laugh anymore. 
The opposite is true in a way. 
I remember that I even laughed in the afternoon when he had passed away.
I can go back to that Tuesday, and I see everything very clear.
It is totally not a vague memory. 
I have seen and felt everything with a clear mind.
Very aware of the moment.
And I did see him go.
Leaving Earth.

I am back at work..
I volunteer at the theater round the corner. 
(Love that, and because of that I already have seen beautiful performances).
I make a walk every day..and on Sunday a longer walk.
There are museum and gallery visits..
And over the last 2 weeks I did see 2 films from Jacques Tati at the cinema.
I spin my fleece...but still no knitting at all.
Every now and than I write a letter to him.
My blog is back to be read and I read a book before I go to sleep.
I am back to singing in my choir.

I don't stay inside..that wouldn't be good for me to do.

Usually I don't feel lonely, because there is a circle round me.
I only feel strange when I come home, and no one is there..
No one to talk to..silence.
Silence: when I go to bed and when I wake up.

I have my own rituals in this process. 
Rituals as bringing flowers to his grave every week..
and mostly I have the same ones at home.
Taking a picture each day to be placed on Tumblr.
And there are more...

Life has taken me back, has taken me back. Grabbed me back/
And I am letting that happen to me. 
Because I promised him that, and because I want that also.
I am pleased with that.
Life is beautiful too, and worth to be lived.

But I walk with his death and life in one hand, and in the other is my own life.
We walk together as always.

Something is taken away for me. 
Amputated is the right word for that.
That is how it feels...

Bram&Jan is still one name for me..
The Process continues.